


Draculoki

by EmuSam



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bechdel Test discussion, Comedy, Crack, Dracula AU, M/M, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-09 12:16:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20994659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmuSam/pseuds/EmuSam
Summary: Just a few notes I'll probably never get back to, inspired by a comment on Lotolle'sbeautiful art, except I went a lot less serious.Jonathan Harker: Steve (arrives small, gets back to England big)Count Dracula: LokiWilhelmina "Mina" Harker (née Murray): Tony (arc reactor/vampirism parallels)Lucy Westenra: ThorArthur Holmwood: BruceJohn Seward: Natasha (for the Clint connection)Abraham Van Helsing: CoulsonQuincey Morris: JaneRenfield: ClintBrides of Dracula: Fury, Odin, and Howard





	Draculoki

**Author's Note:**

> Just a few notes I'll probably never get back to, inspired by a comment on Lotolle's [beautiful art](https://www.deviantart.com/lotolle/art/Shall-We-Dance-423400518), except I went a lot less serious.
> 
> Jonathan Harker: Steve (arrives small, gets back to England big)  
Count Dracula: Loki  
Wilhelmina "Mina" Harker (née Murray): Tony (arc reactor/vampirism parallels)  
Lucy Westenra: Thor  
Arthur Holmwood: Bruce  
John Seward: Natasha (for the Clint connection)  
Abraham Van Helsing: Coulson  
Quincey Morris: Jane  
Renfield: Clint  
Brides of Dracula: Fury, Odin, and Howard

**Chapter 1**

Steve is in a carriage going to Transylvania. He is a very small solicitor; the woman asks if he should be travelling alone before pressing a cross on him. She offers a selection of amulets, including crosses and stars in circles.

Loki greets him and "Good evening, Mr. Harker," Loki said, drawing out his vowels until he seemed satisfied that they were sufficiently English but lingering on the rolling R's.

Fury, Howard, and Odin complain that they're hungry. Odin particularly snipes at Loki, who beats him back. Fury remarks on mistreatment of father figures and how some fathers are good. Joss Whedon quote - something about all cowboys have daddy issues? More Firefly quotes. More fidgety business. Make a list of fidgets.

At first, Steve thinks it’s just an old illness making a reappearance.

Steve is very brave but very weak climbing over the ramparts. He discovers the coffin. He goes over the paperwork with Loki. Loki abandons him to the Fathers of Dracula, and he is buried under them and their mothers' drapes, but suits of armor domino effect over them all. Gauntlets everywhere. Steve hides under a shield. The Fathers search but think he must have run out the door and go hunting. At daybreak, Steve drags the shield with him and heads home.

**Chapter 2**

The ship _Frigga _runs aground. The captain's log mentions a large dog, a snake, and a half-skeletal figure. Bruce Holmwood is handling some of their affairs (ship belongs to him) and he brings Doctor Natasha Seward in because the entire crew is silly, chaotic, inclined to pranks, and have to be confined the the asylum, even though Clint Renfield says he totally kept his clothes on the whole time. He can prove it: he was shooting arrows at fish and eating them raw. Sushi's the new thing! Hey, stop it!

Thor Westenra is having trouble choosing between his suitors: Bruce Holmwood, Natasha Seward, and Jane Morris. He picks Bruce, later Lord Hulk.

"Tony, I dare swear you will not guess what happened to me today." Flashback: Jane. "Jane proposed marriage? You dog! What did you say?" "That is not the last of my day's adventures, for . . ." Flashback: Nat. "Nat, too! Have you been flirting behind my back?" "Nay, for you were standing beside me, flirting too! Now I shall truly stretch your credulity, for . . ." Flashback: Bruce. "The upshot is, I have accepted him, and we will pledge our troth in as few weeks as may be!"

**Chapter 3**

Ball! All the cliches. Check TVTropes for cliches. Chandeliers, flower, mirrors, glittering clothes, dancing, music, refreshments, bar fight, swinging from chandeliers, Spider-man villain crashing in through the window (and then sheepishly leaving), Deadpool being hard to get rid of.

“I’ll be there in twenty minuets.”

“You mean twenty minutes.”

“No, twenty minuets, which will probably be interspersed with waltzes.”

**Chapter 4**

Bechdel: Nat and Jane talk about America. "You know, one of us will probably die before this story is over." "Isn't it a comedy?" "If I have to die by slapstick, that just makes it worse." They talk about the Bechdel test: "As nice as it is that we pass the Bechdel test, we're still a cast of only seventeen percent women. The author _could _have chosen a better story for that."

Dr. Nat's assistant Darcy is overenthusiastic about electroshock therapy. (Just hit twenty-three percent female!) Clint provides information: Thor is in trouble! Nat is very concerned.

Thor begins to waste away, and they are concerned about his tasteless, cliche tricks. They take to checking doors for buckets of water before opening them. Dr. Nat invites an old colleague, Phil Van Helsing, to consult. Phil doesn't want to explain because it's too silly. Tony invents something to help: the garlic reactor, but it's not done, and they worry that the pranks are contagious, because why garlic? Thor is found in the garden, very weak. They chase a snake away from him. They bury him. He insists he's not dead. They insist they're getting tired of his pranks.

**Chapter 5**

Children begin to report their friends taken away by a "bloofer man." “A blue man?” “No, a bloofer man!” “A blooper man?” “I think the young gentlewoman means beautiful.” “Yeah, that.” Phil speaks to Nat, Bruce, and Jane. They track down an everlasting birthday party and rescue children from coulrophobia. Handwave aftermath. They stuff Thor full of garlic and send him off to Nat's asylum.

**Chapter 6**

Steve arrives home from Budapest. How was your trip? The castle was nothing like Budapest. Tony: "Aren't you supposed to come back sickly?"

Steve: "I think it makes more sense for me to be a small solicitor changing into a super soldier than a large solicitor becoming small and weak after being bitten. Turns out a quick vampirism promotes a growth spurt."

Skip marriage? Imply? Leave open? Just go with it? One sentence?

**Chapter 7**

Loki learns about Phil. Attacks Tony three times and makes him drink his blood. Tony installs the garlic reactor. He can now read Loki's surroundings and actions. Phil wants to hypnotize Tony, but Tony doesn't trust him.

Steve et al start to destroy Loki's coffins around town, driving him out of England. Loki flees in a rainbow chariot but can't lose them because Tony knows. Phil tells off the Fathers of Dracula, who try to protect the chariot. They drag Loki off the chariot. Loki tells them Thor isn't really dead. Thor: "I told you so!"

Ten years later, ???


End file.
